the size of a summer salami.

oi. I was gonna put up the new layout today, I really was. it was my intent to actually get out of bed sometime in the morning and work on the layout, but that did not happen. not at all. got out of bed around 2:00 or so.

the rest of the day I was (for once) rather busy, amazingly enough. scary. went "jogging" avec aurora then to her house, went driving, went shopping, visited my favorite friendly neighborhood fish salesperson... busy, busy me. so the layout was sacrificed in favor of actual activity. sorry. ha, like anyone really cares.

but I will put it up tomorrow, at some point. after school, where I have insane amounts of make-up junk to do. yes, it will be up unless something extraordianry happens to keep me from it - such as alien abduction or the like. really. it'll be here. it will.

drat.

well, hmph. sorry it's been a while, but I was ill. then I was gonna not put up a new entry until I had a new layout, but unfortuantely my brain is refusing to cooperate. darn brain. so I, as of now, have no new layout. I have yet another idea, so one may be along soon. but don't bet any money on it.

yeah, I was sick. but I had those crazy people I call friends over last night, as usual, and they made me feel much better. they always do. just wondering now how long it will take before they are all ill as well. heheheheh, stuff. don't ask, cuz I don't really know.

this morning I was woken up at 11:00 am this is very early for me. you see, I heard the sound of the news playing very loud in my living room. this, as I may have mentioned, is unheard of in my house unless something earth-shattering is going on. my first thought - oh dear God we're under attack. so I jump out of bed and run to the living room (which is like 5 feet away - very strenuous) to see what the death toll is and how many hours/minutes I have left to live. but no - it was the space shuttle. now, it may sound really, really awful to say this but I was releived. I was like "oh, is that all?" my parents looked at me as though I had grown another head, but it seems like a really minor deal now. I mean, after all, I had though it was all over. I feel bad for the families of the people who died, but... I'll leave this alone now.

you know what song I like? "all the things she said" by ta.tu. the video is... different, but it's good. very symbolic and such.

today my dad accidentally mis-pronounced "the weather channel" as "the leather channel" and that made me unbelievably happy. I mean, how cool would that be? alll leather, all the time. they could sell leather stuff, all types of leather stuff. have leather fashion shows, movies with nifty leather clothes in them... I so need a new hobby.

you know, except for friday, weekends are pretty annoying. on friday I have my dear friends over and all is good, but the rest of it I just kinda sit around or sleep. some people (my parents) call this "relaxing", I call it "really boring". but alas. can't even drive myself somewhere, not that I'd really want to go all alone.

I still want a soft pretzel from the mall, but I'd also like some cheddar bacon potato skins.

here, have a random quiz:

Take the Affliction Test Today!

::falls asleep::

*yawn*

yoooooo. so very tired. just wanted to apologize to anyone who I may have IMed in this very tired state of mine. I am sorry if I frightened you. very sorry.

we had another viewer yesterday! yay! ::dances the "4 people actually read this drivel yesterday" dance:: w00t. though he has yet to tell me what he would prefer to be called. but I think I already know. we've been thru this before, if I remember correctly...

...only a few days until february and I have no idea what I want to do for a layout. I had an idea, but I dunno if I wanna do it right now. I wanted something sorta the opposite of valentines day or what have you. but...

I am going to sleep now. if any of this made sense to you, you should prolly go to bed, too. heck, come join me. it'll be cozy and warm and stuff.

yargh

ah, the state of the union address. forgive me, I'm about to go serious. you can skip ahead, it's a little more light-hearted at the end. or you could skip the whole thing if you like. otherwise, prepare to hear me be unhappy. I may even make you unhappy.

he started off on what I think was a stupid statement. he said that he was not gonna sit by and let the problems of today (aka the Iraq issue) fall to other generations. unfortunately, if he ships my peers off to war, he will be involving another generation who had not a thing to do with the decisions that caused this situation.

for a while all he talked about was the economy. some find this odd, as everyone really just wanted to hear about the impending war, but I think it was a good idea. lull the american people into a false sense of security of how we are gonna fix the economy then bang - evil middle east. but first he talked of three things I have rather firm opinions on such as: abortion, cloning, and AIDS.

when he referred to abortion, he was talking about the partial birth kind. I think abortion should stay legal, to a point. maybe a three-month limit. so this didn't upset me much. but I think he may just be starting w/ partial birth and working his way down, in which case I will disagree.

human cloning... bush thinks it should be completely against the law. I dunno quite how to describe my feelings on this issue. I don't think it should be totally outlawed. sure, there should be very strict regualtions but I think there are many reasonable uses of it.

then we come to his new AIDS policy ideas. the one thing in the whole speech I actually agree with. I'll leave it at that.

of course, eventually it all came down to the almost war. he kept talking about wanting to acheive peace and other such nonesense. this is silly. there can never be peace. there will always be unhappy people who want things to be different. it's the way things are. learn to deal with it. but anyway... he of course brought up all the unaccounted for bio/chem/nuclear weapons Iraq has and how they must be stopped, blah blah blah blah blah. here's where I am gonna go off...

I think we are doomed, really. I mean, here's this country who has been stockpiling all these illegal weapons for the past 12+ years - lets go to war with them! I know that if we just leave them alone they will inevitably attack us anyway, but why send our troops over there? why not just wait for them to attack? this may sound cowardly, and I'll admit I'm being selfish, I don't want the draft to be brought back and for my friends to die in war. if we turn our attnetion to just watching our borders and leave the rest of the world to themselves, I think we'd be better off. argh.

then, after the address, they had other people on, discussing it. the one man called it a "countdown to war" speech. well put. what, they have til the end of february? we are so dead.

"you just walked into the wrong fish!"

mmmm, honey comb cereal... ::drools:: anyway, about stuff.

I have a bit more to say on the subject of "signs", though not really review stuff. I just wanted to note that to me the most frightening thing about the movie was the tv shots with the breaking news and stuff. it somehow makes it more real, imagining an alien invasion on CNN or something, ya know? and the whole invisablity shield on the UFOs? that thought scares me too. they could be anywhere and we'd never know it, unless a bird or something flew into it.

and now, a second (short) movie review. for "blade II". saw that a second time this weekend, too.

first off - major sexiness in this movie. but not hotness. there are so many things in this movie off of the "ultimate hotness" list. and so many of them are on blade - cool sunglasses, a sword, vampire-ness, and most importantly a long (preferably black) coat. yet somehow blade, in my opinion, id not hot. sexy, yes. hot, no. aurora has said this may be because his face is unattractive, and that may be. it may also have something to do with him being too muscular for my taste. I dunno, I'm not big on muscles. but I'm getting off topic...

the storyline is good. lots of blood, vampires - what more could you ask for?

the mutant vampire things are really gross, but the disection scene is tres nifty. the way it keeps trying to feed after the head is dead (hehehe, that rhymes)? very cool.

the two scenes of people in large vats of blood are also high on my list of best scenes. also strangely sexy, though I get the distinct feeling that it isn't normal to think so...

the way the girl vampire w/ the red hair sacrifices herself in the sewer to kill the vampire who had been bitten (sorry, I can't remember their names) was very noble and thus deserving of praise. I hope I would do the same thing - take myself out with my poor, changed friend.

and the ending - awesome. what a way to go, seeing the sunset for the first time. though the vampire bits are not something I'd wanna touch... hehehe, vampire bits.

okay, that's all for that.

now, back to friday. oi! the highly annoying guy in class? worse than ever. he was going on about some sort of data transfer system he had, but he deleted it. cuz it was "highly illegal" in the U.S. like we care. the teacher moved on, and he kept talking about it to the person next to him - who I could tell also did not care. and every time he tries to prove the teacher wrong and the teacher corrects him he says "exactly". argh! if he already knew, then why was he disagreeing?! ahhhhhhhh!

yeah. have I mentioned how very cold it is at that place? you'd think that w/ our tuition they could at least pay for some heat. when my teacher first got there on friday it was 49 degrees. that's so not cool. it was up to 68 during class cuz of the space heater he brought in.

a long time ago, well a few weeks at least, I watched a show on being buried alive. there are people who have this disease of sorts that makes them almost nearly dead. like their hearts all but stop, and they hardly breathe. and they can't move, even though they are aware of what is going on. what made me think of this? sitting in class and wanting to write notes, but being unable to make my hand move due to insane tiredness. not at all the same, but still made me think.

there was a couple across the street making out while I was waiting for my mum to pick me up from school. talk about your mental killing sprees... oh, the unfairness. stupid public displays of affection. however, if I were "with" someone, there'd be an increasingly larger amount of such displays. hypocritical? perhaps. but I don't care. chalk it up to the bitterness.

I also wanted to remember something about lint, but I can't for the life of me recall why... lint.

cuddling makes kittens

I know I said i have a whole list of things I wanted to discuss, but I just finished watching "signs" and feel like reviewing it. so... (**beware, spoilers ahead**)

okay, first of all, I really love the music. what do they call it, the score? no matter. I think it's nicely creepy.

also, there were some nicely creepy moments in the movie. unfortunately, they mostly weren't followed thru on. as far as scariness goes, I don't know what most people were talking about when they said this movie was frightening. this movie mostly relies on sudden sounds or movements to frighten its viewers. like when the dog growls, or the phone rings after seeing the painting of the Hess house in the alien book. the moments that do seem climactic (is that spelled right?) are constantly a let down. when Graham (Mel Gibson) hears the alien in the corn, and sees its foot, you are expecting a confrontation. but do you get one? no, youu get to see the kids washing dishes. when the aliens get in the house, you are expecting a fight. but no! they just go hide. in the basement, when the little boy is grabbed, you think you'll finally get to see some action. again, a let-down. instead, you get to see the feet of the little girl, hiding in the corner.

then there's the whole religious aspect. I, as I may have mentioned, consider myself to be a religious person. but this was rather irritating. in a different movie it would have been fine. but you go into this movie expecting to see some alien bashing, not some guy deciding he really does believe in God after all.

and, of course, I can't leave out the arguements the yak brought up. these aliens probably have highly advanced technology, and yet they came to this planet completely naked - in spite of their little "water problem". in all their scouting of the planet, you'd think they'd have noticed we have water here and planned accordingly. and the aliens are funny looking. but alas.

lastly, I have issues with the ending. in that there wasn't one! they come out of the basement and the aliens are just gone? see, you didn't even get to see a battle for the planet. there is the short bit of the brother beating the alien with his baseball bat, but you barely even get to see that. you get to see a little hitting, then some water pouring onto the screen. not exactly retribution for the lack of action throughout the rest of the film. and yay, Graham takes back his job at the church. bet no-one saw that coming...

all in all, it's an okay movie. if you're looking for a slightly suspencful religious flick with no real ending, that is. but if you're looking for something more "independence day"-esque, look somewhere else. but I don't wanna bash this film too much, cuz I don't think M. Night Shyamalan was going for "independence day", really.

oh, wait! one more paragraph about this! I love the whole "no coincidences " thing. cuz I agree completely. there are no coincidences. that's the way I look at everything. but that's just me. and I love that M. Night Shyamalan played the guy who ran the car into Graham's wife. w00t.

okay, that is it. hope it was helpful.

...sleep...

ahhhhh! the song "Cease" by Bad Religion has been playing on repeat in my head since I woke up this morning. it's a great song, I love it, but argh! how can I be expected to concentrait on anything with the constant urge to scribble down the lyrics on everything? here, have them:

Cease
Bad Religion

blacktop pavement
cover me
like a chemical reaction or a steam roller
spreading randomly

there's a distant buzz and low frequency
it tickles my ear, it rumbles under my feet
and it shakes the leaves off of every tree
(violently)
what pretension! Everlasting peace
everything must cease

institution
on the Hill
like a beacon in the mind of an ancestor
to ignite a people's will

there's a shadowed stain on the west facade
it has spread like decay to enshroud the fraud
and the descendants find oh so odd
(oh so odd)
what pretension! Everlasting peace
everything must cease

grave memorial
hewn white stone
like the comforting caress of a mother
or a friend you've always known

it evokes such pain and significance
and the generations pass without recompense
what pretension! Everlasting peace
everything must cease

can't guarentee the accuracy of these lyrics, since I just grabbed them from a website somewhere. this song could make a nifty layout, too. but not right now.

now that that's out of the way, I can go on. I have a list of things to discuss written on my hand, but I don't think I'm gonna get to them this entry. it is late - I still have to finish my lunch and run the vacuum before my dad gets home around 2:30. then people are coming over tonite around 7:00, and I have to eat dinner in there somewhere. when am I gonna get a nap in? I got ot bed late last night, was having issues with a Vice City mission. I beat it, though, and that's really all that matters. but I am so very sleepy...

yes, this entry will have to wait. however, I can not end before expressing my outrage at the cost of my lunch today. a crispy chicken meal from McDonald's - a #7 in case you were wondering - cost me 5.19$! how unfair! everyone wants me to gain weight, but I have to pay ungodly amounts of money for it! grr food, grr.

even if I could

might as well type out an entry whilst GTA: Vice City loads. lately I have been much in the mood for video games, shame it's always the middle of the night. ah well.

today (well, yesterday) I drove all the way to the pet store, parked, pulled out, drove to Rite-Aid, pulled out, drove all the way home, and parked in front of the house. I so ownz the car. w00t.

found this article at The Onion and was very amused. gotta love those mental killing sprees. how would I get thru the day without those? I love the little diagram, and the descriptions of the "victims" in the key. lmao

sorry, no ranting tonite. my game is ready. poor tommy is tired of waiting.

and happy birthday to the yak, though he prolly comes nowhere near this blog. it's the thought that counts.

"that'll be 4.02$"

mmmm, second breakfasty. ::drools::

so yeah, I now have 1$ for food tomorrow. but the cheesy, bacony, egg bagel goodness is well worth it. food pr0n indeed. ::glee::

alien crosstalk

::falls over:: oi, the empress is very tired. only went to sleep after 4:30 am and got up at 6:55... I can't help it, I was looking at a doujinshi online and I have dial up. very long. put the pretty, pretty pictures were enough of a reward.

in any case, my mum is mean and wouldn't pick me up early from school, so I had to sit thru that in my half-comatose state. only reason I didn't just drop over was because I was struck by drawing inspiration. from a sequence of dreams I had. twas all good. every now and then I'd look up and seem to have a grasp of what was going on. really, I am following. the teacher just goes in to alot of detail about everything, so as long as I get the overall concept I am fine. yeah, that test I was so certain I was gonna fail? I got a 95%. go me. and the teacher said this was the hardest test in the course, so I am pretty well set, I think.

you want to know what I think the most annoying thing in the class is, though? not that I have to try and stay awake for 5 hours and 20 minutes, or that I have to try and use the four inches of space in fromt of my computer as a writting surface. not even the fact that it is barely warmer inside than the sub-zero temperatures outside. no, the most annoying thing by far is one of my fellow students. his annoying-ness rivals "The Repeating Guy"** from my first set of classes back in September. anyway, this guy (who I have yet to find a witty name for), feels the need to ask questions every few seconds. this would be fine, except that the only reason he asks these questions is to show off his knowledge of the topic at hand. they always pertain to his website, or his internet connection, or any number of other things that really have no place in the discussion. and if he can't seem to find something about himself to bring up, he just tries to prove the teacher wrong. and it never works. every time he opens his mouth, I want to toss my monitor at him. were it not propping my book open, that is.

on a completely different note, my sister was watching American Idol on T.V. this evening. they are going thru all the trials and junk to find their finalists or something of that sort. oh my God, some people are so stupid! whoever told them they could sing should be drug into the street and shot for crimes against humanity. the one guy, I don't ven remember what he was singing... oi! my dad was like "that must be what Hell sounds like." it was very funny. and in the previews for the next episode there is a guy singing madonna's "like a virgin" and sorta dancing/feeling himself to it... I nearly fell off the sofa in hysterics. oh, it was great. if the entire show was just the judges mocking people who couldn't sing, I would so watch it. it's when they get into the actual competitions and stuff that it gets annoying. but this part is fantastic. Simon is my idol. so cruel, and with no regard for the feelings of anyone... I am in awe of him. awe.

hmm. I am hungry. it will have to wait until I am done here, which I am not. I still have a few things to rant about.

why is food pr0n (fast food for those not paying attention) so fricking expensive?! my parents give me 10$ a week for food. I only have 4 days of school. this used to be fine. but now that I am trying to gain 30 pounds... I spent almost half my allotted money on 2nd breakfast yesterday. oi, I sound like a hobbit. who in the name of God eats 2nd breakfast besides me? prolly no-one. who else is trying to gain 30 pounds for the beach this year? again, I am more than likely the only one. but yeah, I had a bacon egg and cheese sammich, a hash brown, and a coke. it cost 3.79$! the injustice!

I could go on about plenty of other things, but I am too hungry. perhaps later, perhaps not.

** "The Repeating Guy" - yeah, this was one of the most annoying things ever. you know that guy on SNL, the copy room guy? who says everyone's name in that really annoying way? well this guy repeated just about everything the instructor said in that smae way. but he wasn't trying to be funny or anything, it's just the way he was. ARGH!! I wanna kick something just thinking about it...

ruined?

argh. I have a test tomorrow ::looks at clock::, well later today, in Networking and I am going to fail. it's on the OSI Model and that type of junk. it's not that I don't understand, it's that I can't seem to remember what layer does what without looking at my notes. and since the test is not open-book, I am going to do miserabley. is that word even spelled right? no, it is not. miserably. there. anyway, this can't end well. but alas, not much that can be done.

along the course of my random blog reading, I came across this link - All You Need To Know About Cloud. I have decided it is one of the cutest things I've ever seen. I love the sighing sephiroth. so funny!

is it really only tuesday? well, now I guess it's wednesday, but I still have the day to get thru. argh! I don't even know what day I want it to be, there's nothing of importance I'm looking forward to or anything. I'm just so... bored, I guess. and I don't know what to do about it. there is nothing, really. if I got a job, I'd eventually just dread going there. so very annoying. oi.

some lyrics

a bit of a song. I may be taking some of it out of context, but that's what I do. enjoy.


Only Lonely
Hootie and the Blowfish

Your words they make me smile
As I drift away
In my little room upstairs
Oh I spend my nights
Imagining your face your touch

I could start to give apologies
For all the stupid things that I will say and I will do
If we should ever cross the same place at the same time
Would your world skip a beat 'cause it was me

If we could share our life
Would I disappoint your memories
I believe that I could be the one you're needing

If I could give back your hopes, your joys, your treasures
Don't you think that I would change my world
But there's so many things trying to pull us together

When you close your eyes
In your deepest thoughts
Do you see me?


very good question. this song goes unbelievably well...

"open a window and let some of the wrong out."

yeah...

eew, back to school tomorrow. not that I dislike my classes, really, there's just better things I could be doing with that time. like sleeping, for instance. ya know, I got out of bed at a decent time today - noon - just so I'd be able to fall asleep tonite. this plan would have worked, except I went back to sleep sometime around 3:00 this afternoon on the sofa. go me. so much for going to bed tonite.

at least I got in some driving time today. went with my dad, who has a completely different teaching style than my mum. but it's all good. I am driving on real roads now, which is exciting. both parents are nervous about how close I drvie to the parked cars, but I know what I'm doing darn it! lol really I do.

I have decided which layout to do. it should be here in a few days.

Heaven does the Beach? lmao! I love it!

I could put up some (not so) random song lyrics, but I don't feel like it right now. maybe a little later. yeah. later.

a link

here, sere just sent me a nifty link - My Porn Name. hehehehehe. my porn name is bambi peeks. how nifty is that? go, find your porn name.

smut in the dungeon

hehehehehe - smut in the dungeon. title of an email I recently saw. gotta love junk email. but that just sounded like so much fun! I may have to make a layout from it, just because. my sister suggested something with vincent, perhaps. it could work.

speaking of layouts, it is just about time for a new one here. but I am having a very hard time deciding what exactly I should do. I have three, no four now, ideas. I was gonna ask for opinions, but then it wouldn't be very much of a surprise, now would it? not like my whole two viewers are waiting with baited breath to see my newest layout, but still.

you know what isn't fun? waking from a nice dream, with your first thought after realizing you are awake being "hey! you know everything you could ever want? it'll never, ever happen. nope, no way, not at all." stupid, taunting voice. could this be why I didn't get out of bed til 5:14 this evening? perhaps. I die, from time to time, but I move on with life. yes I do. because you gotta keep that tiny, tiny little piece of hope, even if you'll never act on it. cuz what else do you have, really? the knowledge that you'll just have to sit back and watch it all slip away and try to be happy the rest of your life? yes, I'll stick with being ignorantly hopeful, thank you very much. I should stop now, with this rant. no reason to further depress my poor viewers, or to make them wonder.

I took this test today, about personality disorders. it is oddly accurate, as usual. me, dependant and obsessive compulsive? who would have guessed? the schizotypal was a bit of a surprise, but not after reading the description. it sounds much like me. but see, they say I only think... but it's true. you're prolly confused now, which is also listed there... hmmm. strange, isn't it? oh yeah, the test. here it is:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

I am, however, a little surprised that I scored higher as dependant than obsessive compulsive. hmmm.

I was watching a TV show on Discovery Health. this one expert guy said that fast food is food porn. food pr0n. is that not the funniest thing you've ever heard? that could be another layout theme... that's five now, yes? oh, decisions. I may end up asking someone to help decide after all... lmao - there goes my dependancy again! hehehehe, it's really not funny, but it is!

hehehe, food pr0n. hehehehe.

shell

sere, excellent link! my elven name is Ireth Tasadur. I love it! if I wasn't already the empress, I'd call myself that.

speaking of elves, thor gave me a nifty Legolas trading card that came with his LotR box set. Legolas so hot... huggles for thor, who is one of the whole two (maybe three) people who read this! yes, spent another evening as slave labour, drawing. I won't complain, I don't mind at all. glad to help. everyone left stuff at my house, except aurora who reclaimed her yearbook... hope "he whose name we can't decide" is feeling less in a mood, though I doubt it somehow. huggles for him, too, though he'd prolly beat me off with a stick. {]: )

yeah, this new show "what not to wear"? pretty nifty, but cruel. I dunno how I'd feel if all my friends and family conspired against my wardrobe. glad for the $5000 worth of new clothes, though. they'd prolly have a big issue with my little boys' t-shirts. but I love them so much! I mean, they make the neatest t-shirts for young boys. hehehehe, young boys. hairless or otherwise.

aurora and I were looking at old yearbooks this morning. lmao. yeah. not much more to say about that. we need a hobby, or a job, or something, since it seems we've got nothing better to do than make fun of the old looks of people who aren't present to defend themselves. ah well, there's not alot you can say in defense of some things... oh, so cruel.

something something... there was more, but I no longer remember what. guess I might as well go kill people. GTA: Vice City, here I come.

gettin' it done.

I have lost all concept of time. it's an awful thing. today, when my class was over at 10:15, I had no idea why everyone kept leaving. I was sure we still had another hour to go. I just sat there, continuing on with my work. the teacher took my folder away, and that's when I decided I had to go. I was unsure if we had set the clocks ahead and no-one had told me or what. I got out to the car and looked at the clock there. sure enough, it was 10:30 (yeah, I sat around for 15 minutes). I asked her what time my class was over, and she told me 10:15. she was looking at me as though I was crasy. I can't say I blame her, I was just so certain class was until 11:15. I dunno, it was weird.

went out to office max in search of a cover for my keyboard. no luck. I've only been looking for said cover for about a year. see, I have a problem with looking at the keys when I type. if I cover them up, I won't be able to look. but I don't wanna cover the actual keys themselves and muss up my keyboard. I'm making sense, really I am.

tomorrow is my five hour class. networking. it's interesting enough, but the whole second half of the class is a blur. that timeframe is my nap time. you can't expect me to be able to pay attention when my body wants to be sleeping. so my napping time will be cut in half tomorrow, and my friends are coming over again. I hope I do not fall asleep on them, I really do.

aurora may be sleeping over. her parents just created a new curfew, under which she must be home by 1:30 from my house and midnight from everywhere else. she can stay longer here, I suppose, because it's right across the street. but it's ridiculous, no matter how you look at it. it really is. so I hope she can sleep over. then she can stay as long as she likes, and all will be well.

*yawn* I am actually quite tired and I still need to take a shower. but everyone is online (well, most everyone) and I don't wanna leave. argh. stupid school, messing up my internet time.

"chock full o' links" or "the plague!" - take your pick.

gotta love getting breaking news updates from CNN via email. it's great to open an email that reads:

"-- FBI investigating 35 vials missing from Texas Tech laboratory. City official says some vials contained bubonic plague."

lordess of the ring

foflmao aurora's entry is fantastic. go, read it now. and don't forget to click my druglord link. anywya, just wanted to stick this in here:


Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
brought to you by Quizilla

you know, this is frighteningly accurate in many odd, sort of off ways I'd rather not get into (and no, sere, I am not referring to you. sorry.). but you gotta admitt, that gollum, he is pretty sexy... lmao

that is so the name of my journal entry today!

argh! I say that at least 47 times every dya, and yet I can never actually remember what it was I wanted to call the entry. drat. ::hits self:: yeah, but anyway...

I broke. not as badly as I had expected, but I am back on speaking terms with my father. nothing was said about the whole incident, I just accidentally started talking to him, and it went on from there. I am back in favor, already pointing out the faults of my sister. and it's working. not to mention that we (he and I) are working on a project. he, as you prolly don't know, is obsessed with "the price is right". so we are making a model of the set, about the size for matchbox cars. yeah, I am weak. not as bad as the rest of them, though. or possibly worse. I mean, I joined right back up with him, without so much as discussing my grievences. but I held out longer. hmm... would that make me more or less weak than the rest of them?

yeah, today was a good day. aurora and I ran some errands. well, quite a few. we went to her grandmothers house, to cvs, to the post office, the the flower shop, and to the grocery store, to "pick up a few things". ha! her few things was the size of a weeks' worth of groceries at my house. she bought 10 2-liter bottles of coke! and 24 cans besides! I wish I had that much coke. oh, and we stopped at the pet store, too, to visit with our favorite neighborhood fish salesperson. I'm sure he was thrilled to see us. {]: ) his Christmas present finaly came today, and I just wrote a semi-angry letter to the seller last night. hmph. I don't feel like writing an apology letter. so I won't.

yeah, aurora should be putting up an entry in the secret lair as far as our day today was concerned. while you're at it, click here. go register as a drug lord and make me and my owner some cash. now! click the link!

everything

wow, my mood just fell for no apparent reason. no, wait, that's a lie. I know exactly why, I just don't care to post it here on the internet. drat. well, this is just no good. I should go look for a background for my upcoming blog layout. yes, that's what I'll do. distract myself.

class?

sleep? yeah, didn't work out how I wanted. went to sleep at 8:00 this morning, intending to take an hour and a half nap as was suggested. but then, when the alarm went off to wake me, I turned it off and went back to sleep until 3:00. drat. then I fell asleep again not long ago for about half an hour. so I'm back where I started. no better off.

day three of whatever is going on here at my house. yeah. conversation between the parents is as usual. I don't know about my sister. my dad talked to me quite a few times, and as time went on I began to answer him in a more normal fashion. I may break down after all. I don't want to, but this is hard. cuz if I continue to be short with him, he's gonna get angry again and not speak to me. then nothing will go anywhere. but it hurts... I mean, trust has always been a strong factor in my house. my parents have very much trust in me, and I in them. or so it was. but that whole walking out thing? yeah, that wasn't cool. fear of loss and/or abandonment has always been at the top of the list "things kyra is afraid of". so that was an extremely big deal. sure, he came back. and sure, he just needed to get away for a while. but he could have handled it better, in a less terrifying way. I mean, at that point I was completely sure I had somehow just broken up the household. that he would go away forever. and that's not what I want. I don't know what I want. so why not say all this to him? I dunno, I guess I'm scared. see how weak I am?

and I just keep looking for this kind of behavior. that's the best part. I don't understand it.

but yeah... school again tomorrow. I dunno, I'm grasping now. I'll just go.

I am a bum.

yes, I am. I didn't get out of bed until after 5:00 this afternoon. or shall I say evening? yeah. well, there doesn't seem to be much point in gettin gup when you're not going to do anything anyway. if I've already gone on about this before, feel free to skip to the next paragraph. but serioussly. when my mum finally made me get up, I just went into the living room and sat on the sofa and read my book. that is just what I was doing on bed!! why did it matter that I got up at all? though maybe I should get dressed occasionally. I think I scarred some innocents (ha!) yesterday when they stopped by my house (sometime after 9:00 pm, I think) and I was still in my pajamas. without mascara and contacts, no less. eek. they have my deepest apologies.

moving o, today was the second full day of the... I hesitate to call it a crisis, as I really am not sure what is going on anymore. my father appears to be speaking to my mother again, in civil tones no less, though not very frequently. I am not sure if he has spoken to my sister, as I was in bed most of the day, but I haven't heard a word from him. hmph. in all honesty, it hurts alot. I have spent my entire life doing nothing but try to please him, to make myself the favorite. to try and point out the faults of my sister. and it has gotten me nothing. nothing. I have been, at various points throughout the day, so tempted to fall to my knees before him and beg him not to hate me. and cry and hug him and try to regain favor. but no, I must be strong. I must take a stand here, as no-one else will. however, I am no longer certain I can keep it up... I may end up being as weak as the rest of them.

but still I am fine. I have managed to hold myself together thus far because of my wonderful friends. and that is good.

yeah, but sleeping... I think I may have to stay up all night and all dya tomorrow in order to regain some sort of schedule. otherwise I won't be able to get to sleep at a reasonable time tomorrow nght and will have major problems getting up for school on tuesday. argh. it's not that I have an issue with school, I have an issue with getting up in the morning. particularly befor noon. but I wouldn't want school to start then, either. cuz I like to do stuff (aka go online) in the afternoon. so there's really no good time for school to be.

and ya know what? I really need a job. really badly. I mean, we've got this beach trip coming up in what, six months? ::counts:: well, five maybe. I dunno. we're going in june. but anyway, I need money to pay for the house, money for food, money for random spending... not to mention that I'd like to have a video camera to take along too. so yeah, I'll need quite a bit of cash. and I am already well on the way to killing my savings account. so I'd really like to not take any more of that. I mean, it's already only half the size it was when I graduated from high school... this is so not good.

blah! but strangly enough I am still in a fine mood, in spite of all this. stressed? yes. very much so. but not depressed. here, have some quiz results.


what band member are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

you have no idea how odd this is. you probably also have no idea how many people have asked me to be the bassist for their bands. even though I don't play bass (or anything for that matter). some of them couldn't play anything either. but that's what makes it cool. I am the greatest non-bass playing bassist in a non-existant band! go me!

photos

yeah, the photos are up at the secret lair. I love them. not as incriminating as they could have been, but great none the less. yeah, the last pic of me, the yak, and kim is the new wallpaper on my desktop. looks much better full-sized and not chewed on by the internet. I love my digital camera. {]; )

things around my house? I dunno either. my parents went grocery shopping together this morning, but they do not appear to be speaking to one another. nor had my dad made any move to talk to either my sister or I. hmph. see if I care. I'm in my room. I am safe and happy hear with pics and memories. yes... all is well.

I love sere, she called me all the way from far away after she read my earlier entry. now, don't get me wrong, I love the other three from last night for being there for me also, just thought this deserved special mention. it was nice to hear from her.

yeah, so I don't know what's going on. we'll prollu eat dinner together as usual. hmph. I wonder if they'll go out as they usually do on a saturday...

...dont care. just... argh. eventually everyone will act as though nothing happened and things will go on as they always have. but I don't know if I can do that. I just don't know.

but I am good. yes. ::looks at pics, smiles:: see? fine. I am fine. yes.

late

w00t!! yeah entry at 6:00 in the morning!! what what!! whoooooo!!

empowered

wow. today, well yesterday, was one heck of a day. it was equally one of the best and worst days I've had in a while. I may go as far as to say ever. started innocently enough, I got up at 2:30 in the afternoon when kim called me. we talked for a while. it was after I got off the phone that things started going downhill in a very fast way. see, I was having friends over - aurora, thor, and the yak. my parents are always insisting I have friends over, so I didn't think it was that big a deal. anyway, my dad started freaking out. he said that if my sister just randomly had people over, he'd ave a fit. my mum said that she had already been informed they were coming over, and he got even worse, insisting that she never talks about things with him any more and he's just dirt in this family and that we should just do whatever we want from now on. then he got his jacket on. my mum was like "where are you going?" and he's like "out." and he left, just like that. well, I was crying by this point. my dad had just left us and it was all my fault, ya know? I turned to my mum and said "what the hell did I do?" yes, you heard right. I actually swore in an argument/upset state. and at/to a parent no less. it got worse.

I went to the kitchen, looking for my dad's morphine (he has back problems, and thus strong medication). the plan was to kill myself, obviously. I had just ruined everything. I announced this to my mum and sister, rather unintelligently. so my mum of course came after me. I ran into my room, attempting to hide under the covers. I was crying and yelling and it wasn't pretty. I actually shouted "fucking" somewhere in this and to my mother no less. oi. so yeah. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and stuff, since I had really just gotten out of bed a half an hour before. I calmed myself down while in there, and got really angry at my father. I wasn't crying anymore, I was strangly at peace. came out of the bathroom, got dressed. while changing, my father came back. I went to my bedroom door and stood there. I really did not intend to talk to him, but it didn't work that way.

he went to the kitchen to re-collect his keys, and I was sorta in the way. he starts up with me, saying he's sick of my attitude and stuff. I, if you must know, have never doen anything. my biggest rebellion was cutting up the newspaper into confetti when things weren't going right. yeah. then he's like "and when I said friends could come over, I meant kim and shannon." he had not specified this before, but still I said nothing. he continued on about how he just doesn't approve of the yak (if you're reading this, please please please don't feel guilty. like you would, but hey... dont.), spilling soda on the floor and not cleaning it up the way he does. oh good God! I better get away from him in a hurry, he doesn't clean when he spills something! he's obviously evil! argh. and then he started about my moods and how it makes him feel...

that's when my control snapped. I tore into him rather well, I though. started crying, but stopped myself. well, sort. there were tears coming down my face, but I wasn't really crying. it was weird. like they were totally unconnected to me. but anyway, I was like started off with "you wanna know how I feel? dad, I love you so much, you have no idea. but my moods?!?! we spend 99.9% of our time tip-toeing around your moods!" it's true. it's always precarious. say the wrong thing to him when he's in one of his "moods" and he may not speak to you for a few days. seriously. I went on about this for quite a while. then I was like "and things always have to go your way. Heaven forbid things don't go right for you!" the sarcasm came. "oh, daddy's unhappy! better leave!" it was bad. I actually told him to leave. I said something to the effect of "I'm not surprised you're pulling something like this. things aren't going your way, you just walk away! well get out! you'd better just leave now!" I thought he was gonna hit me for a few moments, but I didn't care. and you know what he did? he left. wow, I'm shocked.

so then everyone in the household was blaming themselves. my sister was thought it was her fault cuz she wouldn't let my use her ps2 (that's what intially started the argument about my friends), my mum said it was her fault cuz she brought up the dispute about the ps2. I told them it was neither of their fault, our father is just a complete nut job. they were obviously falling to bits, so I had to be strong. I don't mind. I don't like dumpping my feelings about my parents' marrage on my mum, she's got enough of it to deal with. so then I semi-tore into them. I was like "I realize I prolly just made things alot worse, but I don't care. you both know it's true, you could back me up. you won't, cuz you're both too weak, but you could." my mum agreed, saying she indeed was weak. I told her it was fine, cuz she was just doing her job, trying to hold us all together. then I was like "and I'm sick of us all pretending this is such a happy family, that everything is great. and talking down about [insert divorced family members here] 'oh, how could they let that happen to their marrage? we're sooooooooo much better than them'! I can't take it anymore!" my mum laughed, and I said it's not funny, and she said she knew, but that's the only way she could deal. that just about broke my heart. oi. then I started up with my childhood memories of my parents screaming at each other and such, as they did alot when they were having their "problems" when I was young. you'd be surprised how much that stuck with me. and I was only 2-3 years old. so don't think your kids won't realize what's going on. cuz they will. and thus, they will never have a functioning relationship. ever.

anyway, I insisted that we should carry on as usual. let him see that we could still live our lives whether he wanted to be there or not. they were to go to my aunt's house as planned, and I was to have my friends over. and all would be fine. they decided I was right, that they would leave after spongebob. well, my dad came home again. he went to their room. they asked if he was coming, but he would not. he, however, said to my mum "this doesn't mean we're splitting up or anything." nice of him to decide that, ne? yeah. my mum told me to behave, and I said no, maybe I'd just start my rebellious stage right now. she said, "just be careful." I basically had parental permission to do self-destructive behaviors carefully. I unfortunatly did not use this opportunity at all that night. so they left, and I watched tv. he left again, saying only to let the dog in if she barked. nice. I found my GTA: Vice City and went on a mass killing spree. it was quite nice, only one police star was not filled. mad killing skillz have I.

so eventually they (aurora, thor, and the yak) all came over, and I ranted to them. they were proud of my swearing. they were supportive. they even paused GTA to tell me not to kill myself. it was very noce, actually, to hear. they care. so yeah, we eventually all went to my room. it is a very small room. it was...cozy. I had to draw character concept sketches for a comic the yak and thor and their friends are working on. yeah, note I'm not actually part of this whole comic endeavor. the yak is supposed to be doing the drawings. but this is how I work, he tells me to do stuff, and I do. I dunno. so yeah, I worked on that and stuff. and we had a great time. I mean, thye seriously made all that prior junk not matter. who needs all that? I have friends who care and offer to take me away from here. I may accept, we'll see how the rest of today goes. but yeah, it was great fun. then we went out to dempsey's and I ate for the first time all day (it was 11:45 pm - way to gain weight!) chicken fingers and cheese sticks and an ice cream sundae. mmmmm...... then we went back to my house to draw some more. aurora and the yak took the sex test. we asked the magical pendant questions about our future. then, around 4:30, they left. I tried to make them stay over night. we could all sleep in my bed. then my parents would be really upset, particularly my father. but no. it didn't happen that way. drat, maybe next time.

but it didn't matter. they've cheered me, temporary though it may be. I think I can face the parental situation. I do not think I am going to bed tonite. it's 5:50 am right now. yeah. and I'm not near sleep. hmm. what a surprise. like I don't have enough trouble getting to sleep. hmph. oh well. I don't need sleep. never. I am fine without. yeah!

oh, by the way, I want to quickly say something about the name of the yak. this is not a nickname after the animal yak. the whole nickname is "cat yak" and is only really used in the small group of me, kim, and shannon - occasionally thor. cat yak, for the unenlightened, is cat vomit. it's a long story. well, not really, but I don't feel like telling it, in any case. but yeah...

there will probably be some pics from this evening up at the secret lair, if you're interested. but you're prolly not. but I don't care!! cuz I'm okay (for now)!! ack - the character sketches are still here! drat. oh well, I'll touch them up a bit, maybe. if I feel ambitious.

computer crack

ya know what's bad? going to bed after 4:00 am and getting up at 6:55 am. and yet I still manage to make working computer programs. I work well with exhaustion.

now that my classes start earlier, I have to go with to drop my sister off at her school so we can head right over to mine. to get there, we go past my old high school. this disturbs me greatly. I am still peering out the window searching for the familiar faces of my friends, scanning the parking lot for a certain large blue car - {]; ) I still feel like my mum should stop and let me out. it upsets me. but nothing to be done about that, I suppose.

however, I am in a quite good mood today. but of course I am, it's thursday. w00t. and tomorrow is friday - w00t again. I am good, for a while. it's a temporary fix, as I was telling aurora earlier, but it's good enough for me. yes indeed.

here, have some more song lyrics that I feel. I have a never ending supply, you know. never ending.

Come Into My World
Kylie Minogue

Take these arms that were made for lovin'
And this heart that will be for two
Take these eyes that were meant for watching over you
And I've been such a long time waiting
For someone I can call my own
I've been chasing the life I'm dreaming
Now I'm home

I need your love
Like night needs morning

So won't you...
Come, come, come into my world
Won't you lift me up, up, high upon your love
Oh baby come, come into my world
Won't you lift me up, up, high upon your love

Take these lips that were made for kissing
And this heart that will see you through
And these hands that were made to touch and feel you

So free your love
Hear me I'm calling

Oh won't you...
Come, come, come into my world
Won't you lift me up, up, high upon your love
Oh baby
Come, come, come into my world
Won't you lift me up, up, high upon your love
Na, na, na, na....


oh, by the way... sere, dear, that your computer is indeed on crack. MERT has confessed that he, in fact, sold the crack to your computer. he is being severly punished. just thought you should know. ::hug::

SUVs

well, I might as well update now, even though it's a bit early. some people just can't wait to hear my SUV rant. really! someone besides me actually reads this! and so, I must not disappoint my public.

it's not a very big rant. it's just that my mum was telling me that she read in the paper that they were thinking about making special parking spaces just for people with SUVs, since regular parking spaces aren't big enough for them. fine. but then she went on to tell me that people had written in about said article saying that SUV parking should be closer to the store, like handicapped parking. yeah, I don't think so. it's not the fault of we regular-size-car driving people that you SUV drivers think you need a massivly huge vehicle made for rough terrain that you will probably never come anywhere near. if you need special parking, then I'm sure a few extra yards of walking won't kill you. in fact, it would be great exercise, or even training, for your wild, off-roading adventures.

now that I've gotten that out of the way, I have to say, sere, that I think winter break was just "a wonderful dream". so very, very sad that we had to wake up from it. I was just thinking about it yesterday, and how those few weeks were some of the best ever, ya know? it was like a little era, just on its own. and then I got to thinking that we'll never have another all together, just like this. I mean, we'll be together next year, when we go visit sere at her new house, but it won't be even remotely the same. I guess all that matters is that we'll all be together, but still... eh, I don't know how to explain what I mean. if you know what I'm talking about, good. if you don't, yu've obviously never been thru this sort of thing.

oh if only things worked out like we want them to... I wish makeitbetter.com were real...

I'd rather not know.

mood is going back down at a somewhat alarming speed... this cheered me a bit, though. I mean, how many other people get an ode to you page? yes, you heard right, my sister has created an "Ode to Kera" page. I find this very cute. please excuse her spelling.

high point of the day - my daddy and I built a snowman. it is very big. I felt like I was 5 again. it was a very spontanious thing, but those are usually the best kind. I will take a pic and put it up...sometime.

I had a rant about SUVs here, but the internet ate my entry an I need to go to bed for school starts up again tomorrow and I must get up at 7:00. so I shall type it up again tomorrow. however, I will still include all the song lyrics I had in the first draft.

Spin
Lifehouse

I'd rather chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than be alone and convinced that I know

And when the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found
You and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
'Cause I know I'm not sure
About anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way

When the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
and I wouldn't change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found
you and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Spinning Turning Watching Burning
All my life has found it's meaning
Walking, Crawling, Climbing, Falling
All my life has found it's meaning

You and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

When the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
and I wouldn't change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found
you and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

coming soon to a kyra near you

*sigh* sere leave tomorrow to go back to school. the backlash of severe depression I so fear is close, I am sure. there is no way I can go from hanging out with my friends and having fun almost every night to sitting at home all the time by myself and not be deeply saddened. it's a shame, really. but worth it, I suppose. I am always trying to decide which is worse - the saddness I felt when I had no realy friends to speak of, or the saddness I feel now when they are not around. or, for that matter, the saddness I feel at being single when they, for all intents and purposes, are not. it's hard to say, since they are different kinds af saddnesses. is that even a word?

I should stop on this topic, as it sounds as though I am already semi-depressed. because I am not. so... yeah, my rant for the day. I was watching Spongebob this evening, and during one of the commercial breaks I saw one of the most frightening and infuriating things ever. those Kidz Bop cds. you know, where they take popular songs and have groups of children with awful voices sing them. I have to wonder if they change some of the lyrics, because some of those songs... I mean, are the kids gonna sing, from Shakira's "whenever, where ever", "lucky that my breasts are small and humble"? I don't see it as objectionable material, but alot of up-tight parents might. though it would be pretty funny to hear them sing it... there are other songs on there as well which many might not find suitable.

but I think what bothers me more than the kids with no musical talent to speak of is the fact that some of those songs have serious meaning. it angers me that they are just singing songs such as "in the end" and "don't let me get me". I mean, that song is... well, very meaningful. how dare they have those kids singing that song in their cheerful, sing-songy voices. and if they do change the lyrics, well that's just an insult. and songs like "dilemma" and "just a friend" and "all you wanted"... those kids have no idea of the feelings behind those songs. it's just not right!

...but the commercial is long over and I really need to chill out. but it just makes me mad, can you tell? argh. gee, I should go take a shower before sere and aurora get here. my hair's all greasy and nasty. eww.

dingo hack**

you want to know something scary? there is a website called manboobs.com have I mentioned this before? well, today I actually took a small look at it, under the urgings of my very odd friends sere and aurora. tres scary. I just don't understand why there is a whole webiste dedicated to man boobs. it just doesn't make sense. I mean, who would actually look for such a thing? besides us, that is. it's all my sister's fault, this pre-occupation with man boobs.

but anyway, we went to see LotR the two towers again. we were gonna see two weeks notice, but aurora didn't want to, and seeing as this is the last fun friday for a while (sere goes back to college on sunday), we couldn't very well leave her behind.

I feel I shall jump on the bandwagon and give my own thoughts on the movie.

first off, let me just say that I think TTT is much better than the first movie. which is just amazing, cuz when the first one came out I thought it was the best movie ever made.

okay, now that that's out of the way... I love smeagol. he is so cute. okay, maybe not in appearance, but the character in general. from his writhing while tied up to his singing while killing that fish, smeagol is just really awesome. I feel really, really sad for him.

I also, as you may know, love legolas. soooooo very hot... ::drools:: and he has the greatest moves in this film. the way he slides down those stairs on that shield? and the way he jumps onto that horse? oh good God, I can't take it. I guess he's gotta show that he has mad elf skillz even though he didn't stop that torch-carrier, eh?

I also love Gimli, but not like that. I warmed up to him alot more in this second movie.

the conversation between sam and smeagol about chips? I love that too.

I have decided that the ents frighten me alot. if I were a small childm they'd prolly give me nightmares.

running packs of orcs (or whatever they were) are funny.

arwen still has funny shoulders, and her dad pulls the same type of guilt trips mine does.

I need some nifty dresses like eowyn has.

in my opinion, one of the best, most... oh what's the word I'm looking for... poignant scenes was when all the able-bodied men and boys at helm's deep were being armed and they kept focusing on the young boys. the frightened, uncertain looks in their eyes were just magnificent. gave me chills.

my new goal in life (well, in addition to all the others) is to command an army like the one gathered outside of Isengard. oh, the power... ::drools::

I can't wait for the next movie. I want to find out who this "she" is who smeagol plans to let take care of the hobbits. I may just have to go out and read the books. yes, you heard right, I never read the books. let the taunting begin.

that is about all I can think of for the time being. there may be more, eventually. when I see it again, which is inevitable, really.


**dingo hack, by the way, is a very demented reference to snow made up by my dear friend aurora. I have no idea what she was on when she came up wiht this one. so that's the story, just in case you were wondering.

ethiopian

hehehehehe is that spelled right? no matter. it's funny how something seemingly simple can brighten one's day so much, ya know? I originally didn't even want to get out of bed today... if you're reading this, you'll know who you are. thanks.

"and as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
although they did not feel
for I felt what I had not felt before
you'd swear those words could heal"
.....-Vanessa Carlton, "Ordinary Day"

so all is good, for the time being. but my other entries still stand.

"well u never no...those shirts can be tricky"

argh! I can't find my night shirt. not the one I'm currently wearing, that one is for when I sleep places other than my home. I'm talking about the cat one that used to be white. the one my mum doesn't like me to wear in front of other people cuz she thinks it's nasty. I dunno. perhaps she stole it to wash it when I was away. in which case I should wake her up right now and demand it back. it's not fair! I need it!! I searched everywhere, it's as though my bedroom has consumed it. ::sobs:: oh shirt, come back to me!!

hope you had the time of your life

well, another year is over, and a new one's just begun. or so says that song that depresses everyone. hmph. time for me to get retrogressive, for a bit. this last year has been... well, it's been the best year of my life. I always thought that 1998 was the best, the pinnacle of my existance, that my life could never get any better. whixh made me pretty sad, as I was only 14 at the time and it was all over, but... anyway, I think this though has truely been the best. I don't see how anything this good could possibly happen again. it was my last year of high school, I got to see all my friends every day, we went on all sorts of outings...it was good. I mean, it's true that some of the most awful, painful moments have also happened in this year, but the good makes up for it. plus, they were growing experiences and I feel they were nesseccary. so yeah, I am sad that the best year of my life is over.

on a somewhat different topic, have you ever been somewhere, and not wanted to be? but you couldn't think of anywhere else you wanted to be, either? I dunno, maybe it's just me. cuz recently I was out and I jsut didn't want to be there any more. not becasue it wasn't a good party or anything, simply because I didn't quite feel I belonged there anymore. but I didn't want to be at home, either. I just wanted to fade into non-exsistantness. there was nowhere I could be that I would have been happy. just nowhere. I don't like this feeling. it's different from the feeling I used to have back when I had no really friends to speak of and was by myself al the time. the quote that most summed things up at that time was "I'd walk with my people if I could find them" from that one third eye blind song. that was different. this is a feeling that I'm with my friends who know me and care about me, but... they were all pairing off, ya know. everyone had someone of the oppsoite gender to cuddle up with, some had more than one. and I was left to sit on the floor by myself. and there's really nothing I can do. goes back to that helplessness issue. I dunno what to do, I don't even know what I want. well, I do, but it's beyond my realm of control. it's just very hard. so very, very hard. I shouldn't be doing all this complaining here, someone may read it and think I need help.

so yeah, so what if I'm bitter. I have plenty of reasons.

oh yeah, serendipity has her own blog now. go check it out, I taught her all the html she knows. I'm just that cool.

little smeagol-maker

the title? don't ask. you're much better off not knowing. the nuts of hazel and some associates went sledding yet again today. if you want to call it sledding. it was more of a combo between sledding, bowling, and a snowball fight. fun, but painful for a broken rib. we only went out at 4:00, so it got dark pretty fast. but that didn't stop us. no way.

later we went to sere's house, where I got my first taste of the LotR Two Towers game for PS2. ::drools:: the graphics are excellent, and the scenery os beyond words. brings a tear to my eye. I must get this game. perhaps I can convince my sister to go in for co-ownership, since the PS2 is hers. and it'll be cheaper for me. anything to save a buck or two.

you know what confuses me? the fact that I am 5' 6", weigh less than 100 lbs, and yet I still have this massive intimidation factor. it just doesn't make sense. not to say that I don't enjoy it, oh no. I love it. I get to wander around in my long leather coat and sunglasses and creep people out without trying. it's great fun. I just don't get it, that's all. like take tonite for example. we were talking w/ derek, one of the associates, and sere about who would win a fight, me or aurora. both were pretty sure I would, by force or by really scaring aurora. and later adrian, another associate, took my seat. I told him he'd better get up, and he refused. derek told him he's better do as I say, that he'd seen me play GTA and such and that I'd "kick [his] ass". w00t. pH34r mE. lmao

this is not to say, however, that today was all fun and games. I received some information, which shall remain undisclosed for now, that has me quite (ha, that's an understatement) distressed. all I have to say on that subject is: grr, you. grr. you know who you are (as if you are actually reading this). grr.

another one bites the dust

farewell to my second, far less neglected digital camera.

a moment of silence....

snowman

you know what is sad? cemeteries in the snow. especially cemeteries with flat headstones. all those people and there's nothing to even signify that they are there.

wondering where that came from? well, today sere wanted to go to the cemetery to see a friend of hers/ours who died in a car accident in august. I wasn't really close to him, but he was part of the main male half of our group, you know what I mean? it was one of those things you don't ever expect to happen. walking into that funeral home was the most difficult experience ever in my life. it was odd how much things change so quickly.

but anyway, we went with her to the cemetery today. cuz we're good friends like that. it got silent in the car on the road to the cemetery, and as we came to the gate... it was like strangling fear that twisted around in my throat, like I couldn't breathe. and I don't know why. it's just a cemetery. I've been in many throughout my life, ya know? but it was really scary just the same. after we got in, past the gates and shrubs and stuff, it was better, but it was still just... strange.


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in lighter news, I have come to the conclusion that I am a geek. sere and even aurora may also be, to some extent. let me explain. well, I'd been milling over the idea for quite some time. but what really cemented it was yesterday when we were playing LotR while sledding yesterday. mey friends and I have also played madminton (full-contact badminton with no rotation and no boundaries) while pretending to be characters from Final Fantasy VII. I have more than one video gaming system, there are role-playing figures sitting on my desk, I program websites and various other things for fun when I'm bored, I have an extensive anime collection, and a number of action figures to go with them - including a ryoko, which you may or may not know is a staple item in a geek's room. how do I feel about this? I am uncertain. I suppose it's cool. at least I almost fit into a stereotypable (not a word, I'm sure) category. w00t.

family fun

yay family fun. we had our family gathering today. it was fun and irritating and depressing all at the same time. fun, cuz I dunno it just is. these events are not purly horrid, there's just stuff... irritating because all (well, most) of the family members treat me like a child - more on that in a minute. depressing cuz, as I may or may not have explained, my (2nd) cousin brought her boyfriend and that alone is enough to set me off these days. hehe, I'm not bitter. noooooooo, of course not.

but yeah, I brought up the whole cloning thing cuz I thought the table could use some intelligent discussion. well, my uncle asked my feelings on it. I told him he really didn't want to know (cuz I'm pretty much for it), but he paid no mind. so we got on that subject and... he's one of those people who's arguement goes "well God said so, so you're wrong." this was on the topic of when life begins. I say, show me a heartbeat, he says at conception. which, technically, never takes place with cloning but hey... so he was like "why not just get stem cells from something else," and I said that if they were from a three day old ball of you-cells that your body wouldn't reject the organ made of them. he said "well, everyone else has rejected you." yeah, way low blow. so then we got on to abortion, which I personally would never do, but I think should be legal. I mean, if it's illegal people are just gonna do them in back alleys with coathangers anyway, ya know? but yeah, it was interesting.

they never usually take me seriously anyway. whenever I try to input my thoughts on a "grown-up" conversation they just brush me off anyway. "silly kera, what does she know?" argh. the sad part is, I'm more intelligent and have had more schooling than most of them anyway! and he kills cats, too. the uncle, I mean. when I take over the world, that will be a crime punishable by death. like in ancient egypt!

but enough on that. sorry about that rant there, I didn't mean to. yeah. okay. slept over at kim's last night w/ shannon. she had no heat from the snow, I just came along cuz I'm like that. {]: ) it was fun, alot of fun. my rib was dying, though. all that laughing, I seriously think I injured it more. I think it's broke, by the way. it feels odd. everyone agrees. ouch.

oh yeah, I got good gifties at the gathering, though. my other uncle's (who's actually my cousin, I only call him my uncle) girlfriend had my name. she got me Men In Black II, a bunch of colourful blank cds, some colourful pens, and headphones. tres nifty. and like I said, I did have a good time. some things just really tick you off after 18 years, ya know?

disillusioned camera

a moment of silence for my poor, rejected little camera...

::sobs::

meaningful gift candies

well, Christmas didn't work out too well. it snowed, so we didn't go to the family function. in fact, our family function was postponed until Friday. who reschedules Christmas? and besides, friday is time for fun friday with sere and aurora. argh. stupid snow. yeah, we got about half a foot. grr.

I got the gifties I wanted most, though, so that's good. slept most of the afternoon, as my sister got me up at 5:30 am or so. I only fell asleep after 4:00.

eck, and no-one's online and thus I have no-one to talk to... I wish people would come on.

I accidentally deleted my screen name from my AIM sign-on thing, and now all my away messages and my profile have disappeared. I am very saddened by this loss. ::cries:: I got my subprofile thing back, but I can't get my aim quiz. I don't remember my password, and even when I tried to get a new login name and such it said it was invalid. I dunno what to do. I may have to make another. drat, I loved that quiz.

here, I found this while sifting thru my files. it's a doll I made using a diva base by emby quinn. I dunno, I like it, even though the diva lips scare me alot.

base by

click click click

yeah space ghost Christmas special! lmao click click click, click click click. rotflmao whee!! thanks, kylie, for telling me it was on!!

Christmas is the time to say I love you (I wish)

w00t. LotR Two Towers. see it. now. if you have seen it, go see it again. I intend to. we (serendipity, kim {who from here on shall be referred to as aurora}, me, dustin, derek, and adrian) went to see it last night, the 10:30 p.m. showing cuz God knows we can't do anything at a normal hour. not that there's anything wrong with 10:30 at night, if the movie is of reasonably length. not that there's anything wrong with not doing things at normal time, either. I love it. have I confused you yet? cuz I'm not even quite sure what I'm talking about anymore...

anyway, we went back to shannon's after the movie (aka 2:00 am - see what I mean about normal time?) we hug out there for a couple of hours. I'm gonna be so sad and lonely when vacation is over and most people go back to their respective schools. ::sobs:: I wasted so many years trying to be something I wasn't, not to mention anti-social, and missed out on all of this. I'd like to go back in time and kick younger me in the head. that'd show me!

exchanged gifties with serendipity and aurora today. w00t! sere got me play-doh (I love that stuff) and a book on dream interpretation (she couldn't have been more on target). aurora got me Dogma (yay Kevin Smith!) and a calendar she made with pics of us and our other friends from senior year and stuff. she made one for sere too. oh, so sweet - and sad. well, I suppose sentimental is the word I'm looking for. but I don't see much of a difference between it and depression, personally. but that's just me. not to mention the mood I've been in...

on a different note, my little 2nd cousins were annoying me at church tonite cuz the couldn't be quiet and sit still. check out what me horoscope says for today ->

Aries is responsible for more than just his or her own welfare. Help others have a good time by assisting with preparation and cleanup. The only way for young people to learn is by seeing your sterling example.

coincidental, ne? ha, there is no such thing as coincidence. at least, that's what I think.

tis snowing. a white Christmas. how quaint. ::sings somewhat badly:: I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know... actually, I would prefer it not snow too much. or we won't be able to go to my Aunt Pam & Uncle Woody's house for the family gathering tomorrow. but then again, if that happens, I won't have to sit by with my younger cousin and her boyfriend and become thouroughly depressed by my lack thereof (boyfriend, not cousin - I have plenty of those). *sigh*

if you have not yet done so, go to see the fellowship of the stick's blog, aptly titled the secret lair. go. now. the pants command you. sure, the setup is very similar to this, but it won't be soon enough. I'll let my creativity run rampant, with both. in fact, I think serendipity wants to start her own - with my mad html skillz. again I say w00t. ::slams head into wall:: hee hee. happy Christmas!!

12 pains of Christmas

yeah. sha-non (from here on referred to as serendipity) and I went to the mall to finally do my Christmas shopping today. one word: oi. I had no idea so many other people also waited until the last possible minute like I do. well, that's not completely true. I mean, I do know that alot of people wait. I've been to the mall on Christmas eve before. but still... it's insane. it's a good thing I don't drive yet, cuz alot less people would have gotten out of that lot.

we were imagining how cool it would be if life was like Grand Theft Auto. so many people would have been dead, and we would have been in possession of some darn nifty vehicles. and if the police came after us, all we'd have to do was run around in circles and jump around a bit (as in the police cheat), and they'd forget they had even been after us. *sigh* but alas...

I'm pretty satisfied with the gifties I got for everyone. and I still have quite a bit of money left over, so that's good. wonder what I can go spend it on... lol I need so much help, not to mention some financial management. I used to be so good with my money. what happened? oh well.

I still feel like slamming my head into a wall, though. just in a more jolly, cheerful way. blah.

sad songs say so much

you ever notice how nicely songs say what you feel? there are lots for me, but here are some parts of a song:


It’s Okay
Tracy Chapman

It's ok
love is only meant for some
I'm the rock
the shoulder you can cry on
I keep the walls from falling down

I'll play it straight
I keep the walls from falling down

I can't reach the pain you feel
but I'll try to keep the walls from falling down
if you can hold on
lose your fear
I'll try to keep the walls from falling down
falling down

to let you know you're not alone
to bring you peace
help me be your friend you confidante
and the walls from falling down
keep the walls from falling down

yeah, that one says alot. and this:


Wash
Lifehouse

Never meant to waste your time
Never meant to fall out of line
I was trying to get closer to you
Now it seems with every step
Feels like I'm losing my breath
I don't know what else I can do

there are many, many more. but I don't feel like putting them here, for now.

"...and stop making that stupid hat face GAH"

uh huh. clopen the door, you fool! hee hee hee!

in any case, check out the new "nuts of hazel" weblog here. there's not much to it yet, but there will be. trust me, I have very odd friends.

looks like I'll be reduced to your every-day, run-of-the-mill, emoticons. ::shudders:: ah well. and so much for Christmas shopping.

alas, what can ya do... absolutely nothing! argh!!!

la la la

just showing sha-non how awesome pitas journals are...

mental masochist

or so I've been called. but in any case... I don't know if everyone being home from college is a good thing or not. we are all insane, and I realise how much I miss this. when they all go away again, I shall be sad. but I'll get alot more sleep...

me, sha-non, and kim went to toys-r-us yesterday, and you know what we found there? LotR candy bars. one of them, of course, had Legolas on it. it was promptly dubbed "elven chocolate". there was much talk of "eating the elven chocolate" and "sucking the elven chocolate" from me and sha-non. I hope the children around were too young to realise what we were talking about. I should have bought one, but alas I did not. oh, wait, I just got an idea! mwahahaha!

last night we went over to sha-non's house, along with dustin and adrian. we didn't leave until 5:00 in the morning. oi. we (me, kim, and shannon - the guys stayed inside) played tag in the rain with sticks we used as whips. twas tres entertaining. we were beating one of the shrubs, pretending various different people were sleeping in it. comments were made about my pants being soaked from getting to close to the wet bush, which sent us into a fit of laughter. the guys wonder about us, though I can't imagine why...

we're all going back over there tonite. sha-non should be here in a few minutes, actually. so yeah, I'll be back sometime.

*ass-tricks*

hehe, yeah. the ass-tricks. this was spawned from a very entertaining conversation I had with my sister. I was reading, and reviewing/proof-reading, a story she wrote. she didn't want me to review/proof-read it, but I couldn't help it. there was just so much wrong! but I'm getting off topic. I was putting asterisks between the sections of the story so as not to confuse myself. ever time I wrote, she was certain I was adding some kind of witty remark to her novel. so I kept saying, "no, it's just the asterisks." well, I was exhausted, and this word just struck me as the funniest thing in the world. it was like I was saying something naughty (ha), but I wasn't. so yeah, that's where that came from. that kind of conversation is one of the reasons for making this journal. the weird, slightly amusing comments that result from my life.

later, during this same reviewing session, she decided it would be funny to mess with my poor, tired head and tipped my chair...

Me - (after freaking out)it was scary! chairs aren't supposed to move on their own.!

Kylie - yes, but imagine if they did. then you'd be scared when they stood still... ::points to chin:: my mind is being wasted.

I was "reading" for about 2 hours, and I only got thru about five pages of handwritten notebook paper. I'm not surprised. ya prolly had to be there.

heeeellllloooo?

is there a reason my previous entry is not showing up? argh. why do these things always happen to me? oh, wait, there it is now. nevermind.

I act sharp, but feel uncertain

oi, I am so tired. one should not stay up until 3:30 am if one has to get up at 7:30 and go sit thru the most boring class in the history of the universe. I wasn't even struck by inspiration today. just extreme exhaustion. almost fell asleep quite a few times. I was (and am) tired enough that when I close my eyes for more than a couple of seconds, my mind starts to go to sleep. I had the beginnings of a dream while blinking. isn't that soemthing? my mum says if I keep this up, I'm gonna burn out. I think she crazy. {]: )

in any case, here is a dialog. it's from a dream I had a few days ago and has been swimming around in my head ever since. I had to get it out of there, before it did any more damage. I know it's crap, but what do you expect? enjoy (or not):

Read me a bedtime story?

ya know something? not getting what you want is tough. I mean, for the most part, there's no stopping me. if I want soemthing, I'm gonna get it, no matter what it will take. cuz there's almost always a way to get what you want, if you think about it. if it's something that can be bought, it's easy. it may take a long time, but you'll get there eventually with enough hard work and dedication. and if it's about getting your way in a situation or soemthing, most people can be swayed regardless of what they try to tell you. so that can also be remedied. but then you get to something that there is absolutely nothing you can do anything about. nothing. no amount of money or convincing is going to get you anywhere. you're left standing there, completely at the mercy of someone or something and there's not a thing you can do about it. yeah, not getting what you want is tough. and with that thought, I should prolly be getting to bed. 7:20 comes early after only 4 hours of sleep. *sigh*

Christmas Balls

whee! my page is working again. for how long? no-one can tell. might as well enjoy it while I can, ne? well, now that it's here, all the things I wanted to write down have run right out of my head. figures. they'll be back, at some completely inconvenient time. like tomorrow, in the most boring computer class in the world. I will be sitting there, following along with people moving at the speed of dark (which is very slow), and be struck with inspiration. luckily, I have started bringing my sketch book along for moments just like that. I am sketching more now than I did in high school when I actually had to do a sketch book for art class. ah, art class... but enough about that. for the time being, I will give you nothing. that's not to say I won't be back in a matter of minutes with a sudden rant or something. but for now, I am done.